Does Provocation Justify Domestic Violence?
When a domestic violence offender says, I couldn't help it... it wasn't my fault, s/he just got me so mad, I had to react. Is a violent response justified? We get the "I was provoked" defense a lot in our line of work...
"He was yelling at me in front of the kids, so I slapped him."
"She was in my face nagging, and she wouldn't quit, so I shut her up... anyone would have done the same in my position."
I was once giving an anger management talk at a domestic violence victim's support center. We were talking about determining who was the dominant aggressor for a given incident AND that everyone is responsible for containing their own potential to abuse. One participant stood up and said, "Now let me get this straight, If I come home and my husband is nag, nag, nagging in my face and he won't shut up and won't get out of my face and I hit him, who is the victim?" And I said, "In the instance you just described, he is." The whole room jumped up in protest, even the advocates, claiming that she was the victim and she was responding in self defense. After awhile I finally convinced them that she had other choices that did not include hitting him, that she chose to engage and escalate the situation and that no matter what he did, he didn't deserve to be hit. One thing that really helped drive the point home is I asked the group what they wanted me to tell their partners, the offenders in our 52 week Batterer Intervention Program... did they want me to tell them, "Oh I'm sorry she nags you. You shouldn't have to put up with that. You are justified in hitting her when she nags you." Of course not. People choose responses based on the context... the relationship they have with the people around them. The same individual who would hit their partner or their child for doing something they didn't like would be quite contained if a large male police officer pulled him over for speeding... of course the individual doesn't like getting a ticket but hitting is not an option in this context whereas it is in many homes. In addition, many of our offenders said they wouldn't tolerate someone on the street disrespecting their partner but at home s/he has done so much worse to disrespect his/her partner... what is that, the "because I love you only I can treat you so bad" approach to building a family. What so many don't realize is that they are sabotaging the most important things in their lives by their behaviors they choose. We're all capable of abuse. We're all responsible for containing our potential for abuse, independent of what others do or do not do, independent of the circumstances around us. Others do not provoke us, a violent response is RARELY, IF EVER justified. It is our own deficiencies, our own shortcomings that result in abusive behavior. We can choose to meet our needs without abusing ourselves or others.
2 additional points to marinate on (consider):
1) Replace the word "spanking" in your vocabulary with "hitting" and the world will never be the same again. We can all can see some truth to the point that hitting is a relatively uncivilized behavior--that if we were functioning at a high enough level we'd never hit anyone.
2) When someone seems to be "nagging", that is repeating what they want to say to you perhaps with some intensity... that means they aren't feeling heard. The fact that "nagging" is occurring most likely is a direct result of your poor listening skills. If it seems that someone is "nagging", simply take a big breath and reflective listen--repeat back to the other person what you got out of (what you understood from) what they said. Tell them what you heard them say (content, thoughts, feelings, needs, etc). Edit out all the "distractors" like cursing, name calling, blaming, etc... instead focus on what the person is actually concerned about... the core topic, the unaddressed issue, the unfulfilled need. Then work together to come up with a plan to address it that works well for both of you and follow through. Better still... eliminate the word "nagging" from your mind and vocabulary and your relationship will never be the same again. The way you would then relate to your partner or to the other person would be so much more warm and functional, you would most likely never hear "nagging" again.