Cooperative Parenting vs Parallel Parenting Article
I recently read this online article by Philip Stahl and I thought I’d take some time to highlight some of his main points. Stahl is a licensed psychologist who is well known for his work with coparenting and divorce related issues. Some of his publications include “Parenting After Divorce”, “Complex Issues in Child Custody Evaluations”, and “Conducting Child Custody Evaluations.”
Article:
Cooperative Parenting or Parallel Parenting?
by Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.
http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/articles/parenting.html
In this article Stahl distinguishes between Cooperative Parenting and Parallel Parenting.
Summary:
Independent of the quality of the failed relationship, some parents manage to change the dynamic and the focus of their relationship to one that is based entirely on the child and that consists of relatively low levels of conflict. They ensure that they communicate directly with each other in a respectful manner about issues that only relate to the child. They value each other’s presence, input, and contributions to the child’s life. They may not share the same values or parenting styles and that is OK. They solve their differences as allies, peacefully and as efficiently as possible. Each parent moves on with their own life and allows the other parent space to do so as well. This is Cooperative Parenting.
Other parents are in conflict much of the time. Their focus remains on their ex-partner and they perpetuate the negative dynamics of their failed relationship. One or both may be unwilling to accept the end of the relationship. They judge and attack each other’s differences in opinions, values and parenting styles. They micromanage each other, are passive aggressive, hostile, or shut themselves off from the other parent. They engage in frequent unhealthy and unproductive communication and they rarely miss the opportunity to attack the other parent. They also spend a lot of money on lawyers and a lot of time in court arguing about money, time or just in attempt to disparage the other parent. They are focused on issues that are unrelated to the child and even use the child as a tool to manipulate the other parent or the situation in general. In this situation, the wellbeing of everyone involved declines—especially that of the child.
Stahl says that these conflicted parents need to disengage from each other in order to have time to work past the failed relationship and work on their own issues. The parents need to create a “demilitarized zone” around the children where absolutely no arguments or negativity occurs. They set up a parenting plan or an agreement that ensures little or no contact with the other parent. During this time of disengagement, each parent is to focus on making their relationship with their children the best it can possibly be independent of what the other parent is or is not doing. Each parent develops independent relationships with important people in the child’s life like teachers, day care providers, coaches, etc. They do not depend upon the other parent for information and each household is self-sustaining. They limit their communication to once a week or even every other week and use email, mail or fax instead of talking directly to each other. All exchanges are coordinated so that they don’t see each other. They only text or call each other in emergency situations (injuries, illnesses, medical issues, and unforeseen delays). Stahl recommends that the parents get a notebook that the parents use to log all the information you would tell anyone responsible for caring for your child (day care providers, extended families). This Parent Communication Notebook is used by both parents and stays with the child at all transitions. Stahl says, “Things to include in this notebook are your observations of your child’s health, feeding and sleep patterns, language issues, your child’s mood, what soothes your child, what upsets your child, your child’s daily routines, and any other detailed information about your child’s functions and needs.”
This type of disengaged parenting is called Parallel Parenting. This may be a temporary style of parenting until both parents learn the skills they need in order to approach their relationship with the other parent in a completely different manner. Parallel Parenting may also be appropriate on an ongoing basis if there has been past intimate partner abuse, child abuse, illegal activity, unaddressed mental health issues or unaddressed substance abuse issues occurring. These issues do not mean that the “offending” parent needs to be out of his/her child’s life. In these situations, supervised visits and exchanges may be appropriate in order to ensure that the child has contact with the other parent in a safe and secure environment until these issues have been addressed. These situations are best addressed in a formal setting using mediators, family court services, and maybe even lawyers to make sure that legitimate concerns that do affect the wellbeing of the child are addressed adequately. It is each parent’s responsibility to advocate on behalf of their children and ensure their children are healthy, happy and safe and in contact with both parents as much as possible.